Vismaya

My search for understanding has already taken me far beyond what my parents can understand. I long to combine the ecstasies of the sprit and of the senses. I feel as a human being it is our obligation to become conscious of repressed anger we might carry before expressing it in ways that is so insensitive to others. Salvation as I see lays in understanding not in ideology. Surrendering will transform you – let it happen. When I have accepted existence as it is; when a song of a bird fills me with gratitude for my whole life; when my heart is open for creation then I can fill the earth with my love. Is co-opting eastern philosophy intellectual imperialism? And is projecting a primary love object in an unconscious bond with omnipotent fantasy going to end in a catastrophic negative counter-transfer? With these questions I feel uncertain of myself adrift in this sea of spontaneity. As I dance I am swept away all the suffering of my separation from my family, the pain of my search for some way heal myself comes pouring out. I feel like the day I moved to Indonesia was my birthday; it was the first day of my new life. That wild unpredictable air Indonesia brings I find both menacing and attractive.